There's Nothing Like...

There's nothing like laying on the couch with a kitty on your chest...

to make you realize just how badly you need to get up and pee.




Love & Tuna!

Cat Behavior 101

I once read an article to this effect, and I will attempt to funny it up a bit, and summarize it.

99% of all behavior can be explained by the following statement:

Cats believe that all other living organisms are cats. 

Following this line of logic, my cats (and yours, too!) think that you are a giant hairless cat. Let us explore this further with the following examples:

Action: Cat licks hand of human companion.

Human Thinks: "Awwwwwwww. So cute! This cat has shown a definite affection for me."

Cat Thinks: "Giant hairless cat...I have never seen you lick yourself...therefore you must not know how to keep yourself clean. Let me do it for you, because we can't have you stinking up the place."


Action: Cat brings "gift" (dead squirrel, bird, rabbit, mouse, etc.) to human companion.

Human Thinks: "Mega gross, murderous kitty."

Cat Thinks: "Giant hairless cat...you seem to be a terrible hunter. I generally tolerate your presence, and I don't want you dead...yet. Therefore, I have provided you with food. You may worship at my feet.


Action: Cat rubs up against the ankles of human companion, or human companion's guests.

Human Thinks: "Awwwwwwww. So cute! This cat has shown a definite affection for me." (Please note the theme here.)

Cat Thinks: "If you are going to be part of this pack, giant hairless cat, you must smell like me and only me. I shall mark you as my propurrrrty." (See what I did there. You wanted funny, and this is the best you're going to get.)


Leave your own thoughts on this phenomenon in the comments below!

Love & Tuna!

Cats...When Left Alone

I'm out of town today, so my kitties are at home fending for themselves (with plenty of food and water and clean litter, of course.)

Using my immense psychic abilities, (riiiiiight) I have attempted to record the thoughts of each kitty, on a day when their mommy isn't home.


Luna: *(Please supply your own elevator music here)* Is there any cheese? Ooh, or chicken skin buried in the trashcan?!? Wait...you mean I need THUMBS to open the treat jar? I like windows. SQUIRREL!!!!!!! Fuzzy blanket. Moo.

Artemis: NOOOOOO. My source of comfort! Until the giant hairless cat with the magical access to the food bin returns, I shall stand post at the front window, and sing the song of my people. (Insert pathetic yowling here. And yes...I may have borrowed this from zefrank on YouTube. Still funny.)

Kyo: The giant hairless cat has departed. I saw her get into the sofa-with-a-roof-and-wheels and zoom away. I shall maintain the order of my fiefdom until such time as it returns. If she does not return, and we begin to starve to death, we shall eat Luna first.


Love & Tuna!

The White Invaders

If you have been conscious on the Eastern seaboard at any point in the last 48 hours, you may know that massive amounts of snow have happened. This was the view outside my kitchen window on Thursday morning:

FYI: 4 hours later, we had a foot of snow. I measured.

Something I forgot to add to Artemis's list of fears - SNOW. How could I forget? Here's the deal. When it snows, and only when it snows, he will sit on the kitchen windowsill and yowl at the snow outside. All. Day. Long. Until it gets too dark for him to see it anymore. I have never seen him yowl at the window, except when there is snow.

I was telling Jason about this the other day, and he said that Artemis was just trying to warn me that "the white invaders had returned!" Yeah. Okay. It can be spring any day now.


Love & Tuna!

Cat Toys - An Exercise in Futility

I have cats. I love the cats. I buy them toys. All. Kinds. Of. Toys.

And they ignore them 90% of the time.

"Oh, Mommy, how kind of you to purchase us this fabulous toy. I am sure that it was VERY highly rated on Amazon.com, but honestly, I couldn't care much less."

Do they play? Of course they play. (Except Artemis. He doesn't play. He's also afraid of snow and dustbunnies. Is anyone surprised here?)

What would they prefer to play with, you ask? Excellent question. I've compiled a brief list of their preferred playthings.

• Cardboard boxes (See above...this box was a favorite for weeks, and I started calling it The Sacred Box Den)
• Dropped objects - bobby pins, crochet hooks, socks, little bits of yarn, ice cubes, etc. (I once found a crochet hook buried in the litter box. I blame Luna. Mostly because she's the dumbest. Mind you, she's the cuddliest...but also the dumbest. The Rose Nylund of kitties.)
• Feet - Any feet will do, but feet in motion are a favorite. Especially if it is 3am and I'm on the way to the bathroom in the dark. 
• Imaginary objects - I'm not even sure what to say about this. Luna is always chasing after some invisible thing. Maybe the house is haunted and she has ghost-seeing powers. Or something.

Of course...none of this stops me from buying them toys and trying. :) I am, As The Doctor aptly said, "a hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams."

Love & Tuna!

The Food-Kitty Relationship

Bonus post for today. The other night, I was just trying to eat a bowl of cereal on the couch. And this is what happens.

Luna: "What is that? Why isn't it in my mouth? Wait...why are you putting it in your mouth?"

Kyo: "I shall hypnotize you with my demon eyes. You will put the bowl on the floor and I will devour its luscious contents."


Love & Tuna!

Meet the Clan - Kyo

Meet our tribe's Alpha Kitty. His name is Kyo. Like Tokyo, but missing the first two letters.Before we get too far, let's go to the vital stats:

Name: Kyo

AKA: The Garbage Disposal (He will eat ANYTHING. I once caught him making a valiant effort to devour a dirty sock.)

Age: I actually know this one! His approximate date of birth is February 1, 2012, so he just turned two

Weight: 10 pounds. But he's fluffy, so he looks even larger than that. 

Kyo was an impulse buy. Kind of like the Snickers bars and trashy magazines and overpriced gum you find in the checkout line at the Walmart. Except I didn't buy a Snickers bar, or a trashy magazine, or gum. I bought another cat. 

It was a Sunday afternoon and Jason and I were at a local pet supply store to buy a shedding rake. (See previous comments about Artemis in the spring.) A local shelter was camped outside the store with various unhappy-looking animals in cages. As we walked past, I spotted a tiny black, long-haired kitten. I looked at Jason and he gave me the "we're leaving with that kitten, aren't we" look. But I went about my business and bought a shedding rake. As we were leaving, I thought we should just say hello to the kitten. 

Riiiiiight, Sarah. Just say hello.

Anyway, the lady in charge told us that he wasn't very friendly, and didn't really like people. But the second she opened the cage door, he leaped into Jason's arms and started purring. 

So I took him home. 

Not the best picture, but how can you say no to that little face?

Kyo is very much the Alpha. He arrived in my home, and quickly realized that his kitty family consisted of a moron and a terrified kitty, and he had zero competition for control of the household. Lucky break, cat. 









Love & Tuna!

Meet the Clan - Artemis

There's just something about Persians. Everybody loves Persians. Except people who love black dress slacks. They tend to hate Persians. And people who like black couches. They hate Persians, too. Actually, if you have any permanent attachments to the color black, Persians are not for you. They shed.

That being said, I am willing to put up with the shedding. Except in the spring, when I come home from work to find tumbleweeds of white fur all over my floor. And the couch. And the cat tree. And the other cats. Then I seriously consider taking the vaccuum to Artemis.

Speaking of which...let's go to the vital stats.

Name: Artemis

AKA: Artemeces, King of the Fraidy Cats

Age: Unknown...Again...the vet always casts sideways glances at me when they ask me questions about this cat. Pretty much all I know is that he's white. And male. And Persian. 

Weight: 8 pounds

Artemis came to me almost by accident. Sort of a friend of a friend situation. But he was white and beautiful, and I had to have him. 

Here's the thing about Artemis; he is literally afraid of everything. And I don't mean a Charlie-Brown-pantophobia type of deal. I mean that he is 100% terrified of everything. Kind of like Adrian Monk. But small and furry and white. For the entertainment value, I've compiled a partial list of Artemis's greatest fears. Hang in there...this is somewhat extensive. In no particular order:

• Milk
• Cats who aren't white
• Cats who are white
• Cats
• Dogs barking on TV commercials
• Ceiling fans
• Carpet
• People standing up
• People sitting on furniture
• People who aren't me. Or Jason.
• Sneezing
• Loud noises
• Imaginary noises
• Teddy bears
• Boxes
• Blankets
• Running water
• Being touched by anything he can't actively see
• Shoes, unless they have been recently worn by Jason.
• Long, cylindrical objects (brooms, mops, gift wrap rolls, etc.)
• Unfamiliar foods
• Lights turning on
• Lights turning off. 

I do know that there were toddlers present in Artemis's previous home. So whether or not it was intentional, I assume he was abused in some way. Which would explain his paranoid behavior. 

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of our introductions...Kyo!

Love & Tuna!

Meet the Clan - Luna

Luna was my very first kitty. I always wanted a cat as a kid, but my parents were allergic. So, I graduated from college, I packed up, I moved 200 miles away, and I got a cat. Actually...more like inherited a cat. But first, the vital stats.

Name: Luna

AKA: Lunabell

Age: Not really sure...somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 years. Secretly, all vets think I'm stupid, because I have no idea how old this cat is, or why she is so tiny. (More on that in a second). 

Weight: 4 pounds. Yes, you read this correctly.


Okay, on with the story of Luna.

My boyfriend's mother is a great lover of felines. All manner of felines. Several years ago, I came up to visit, and there were no less than 20 cats living on the front porch, and she fed them whatever kitchen scraps she happened to have. Most of these cats were completely 100% feral, and not interested in humans other than as a source of food. But there was one tiny little black cat, who would rub the ankles of anyone who walked by and purr. So I took her. And I named her Luna.

I love this cat. She was my sidekick during a really tough period of my life. [Side note: this blog is not about me. Not really. It's about the cats. They are far more entertaining.] Luna is snuggly and sweet...and a total, complete airhead. Often I look at her, and I can just hear the elevator music in her head. (More on this in future posts. Stay tuned.)

I attribute her lack of IQ to the copious amounts of inbreeding in her genetic lineage. And the fact that she grew up on a porch, eating random food. This also explains her passionate and unending love of cheese. That cat would walk across a pit of hungry piranhas for a crumb of cheese.


For now, we will leave it at back. Tomorrow...the story of Artemis.

Love & Tuna!

Introduction and Hello

Hello, Cosmic Void. This is me. Shouting into your vast emptiness. About cats.

Obviously, the internet is already swarming with stories about cats, videos of cats, pictures of cats, etc. But I'm a storyteller (so I've been told) and I have funny cat stories to tell. So, Internet, come along for the ride. I'll be here shouting.